Good morning, despots!

And to those of you in the Nigerian Government, good morning tosspots! (See what I did there?) Thank you so very much for your kind suggestion that I should step down, but I don’t think I’ll be taking advice from a country that is so far behind the times they make you turn your watches back two hundred years when you land at Lagos airport. Impertinent arseholes! Get back to writing your schoolboy begging letters and keep your big fat noses out of the affairs of grown-ups!

So it’s Friday, Day Four of my glorious Underground Lair campaign. I’ve been watching the news with interest,  and it seems I am being a tad elusive. They seek him here, they seek him there, they seek the Colonel everywhere. It’s really quite embarassing how little headway the rebel vermin have made. Frankly I’m beginning to lose track of all the places they reckon I am. Honestly, they should put me in charge of the search; these people have their heads up their arses.

I see that while the cat is away, the mice have been playing. The so-called National Transition Council is proposing to redistribute Libya’s wealth among the people. Hello? That was my idea in the first place, you pea-brained nincompoops! I’d already made a start, having redistributed  about £25 billion into my own accounts. I spent some of that on my current whereabouts. What can I tell you? I always was gifted with uncanny foresight.

Many of you have been asking what my Underground Lair is like. Quite a few of you seem to imagine I am living in some sort of utilitarian concrete bunker. As if! My lair is actually a perfect replica of the famous Hogwarts School. Even as I write, Said and Mohammed are enjoying a game of al Q’idditch out in the arena. My old friend, General Melud Massoud Halasa is playing the part of the Golden Snitch. By the time my boys have finished him off with bludgers he’ll wish he had never defected, the treacherous little rat.

Okay. It’s time for today’s Dark Arts lesson, then I’m off to the Room of Requirement to practise invisibility.

Until we meet again!

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