Following the huge success of Half-Life, Kim Jong Un has embarked on his first world tour. We proudly present some of the songs he will be singing for your delectation. Please give it up for the First Secretary of the Workers’ Party of Korea, the Chairman of the Central Military Commission, the First Chairman of the National Defence Committee of North Korea, the Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, the Supreme Leader, the One, the Only, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you…KIM JONG UN!

[WILD APPLAUSE]

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. It’s great for you to be here. This first song is very close to my heart. It’s about a little place I just happen to rule. A little place called…

Korea

Korea…

The most Communist land I have ever ruled:
Korea…Korea, Korea, Korea
All the ICBMs in the land waiting to be fuelled
Korea…Korea, Korea, Korea

Korea!
I govern a land, North Korea,
And suddenly that land
Has never been so grand
Since me.
Korea!
I’ve just dissed the States for Korea,
And suddenly they’re scared
They’d better be prepared
For me!
Korea!
Launch those bombs, martial music’s playing,
All you Yankees had better start praying…

Korea,
You’ll all have to fear North Korea!

The most Communist land I have ever ruled:
Korea.

[WILD APPLAUSE]

Thank you! I’m here all week!

We’re going to up the pace a bit now with a song that was written by a very good friend of mine when he was in Pyongyang seeking inspiration during very tough times for him. He met me and I’m pleased to say he’s never looked back. He’s here tonight…ladies and gentleman please give a cursory one clap for Mister Gary Barlow…thanks Gary!

This song is dedicated to all my faithful people, and it’s about the thing most precious to me in the whole world.

Me.

Shine

Me, I’m such a big star to you,
I do everything you wanna do
And you are stuck in a hole and I won’t let you out.
You, you don’t know what there is to see
And you know you’re never gonna leave

You’re all just pushing along
Trying to figure it out, out, out…

Oh my Mighty Army holds you down
You can’t have it all, because I have it all.

So come on, come on, run along
Don’t know what you’re waiting for
Your time’s not coming, you’re too late, hey, hey!
So come on
See the light on your face
From that bomb I launched
It’s mine!
Let it shine!

Stop trying to better yourself,
It’s not good for your health,
You know that you can’t change
So clear your head and come round;
Don’t even try to open your eyes,
You might just get a big surprise
And it might not feel so good that I just want you to die, die, die!
Oh I will have my minions put you down,
‘Cause you can’t have it all, because I have it all.

Hey let me show you
I’m all that matters to you
Hey let me show you
There’s nothing more that you can do

Hey let me rule you
I’m all that matters to you
Hey so come on yeah
Shine your adoration over me.

[WILD APPLAUSE]

Thank you, thank you! You love me!

Well I’m off for a short break to hurl a few insults at the West, and — who knows? — maybe a nuclear missile or two! In the meantime, we have a very special treat for you…

Please welcome Mister…Cliff…Richard!