US-FRANCE RELATIONS DETERIORATE

The atrocity was carried out in full view of the world’s media

Tensions between France and the United States are running at an all time high after President Obama sent John Kerry and James Taylor to smooth over diplomatic relations last week. The uninvited rendition of “You’ve Got a Friend” sent shockwaves through an already-nervous French population. Said one Parisian shopkeeper, who asked to remain anonymous, for fear that he might be made to listen to it again: “My ears are still bleeding. It was an unprovoked hostile act with no warning given at all. I can’t believe our security forces didn’t pick up on this plan earlier.” President Hollande declared a state of heightened security, and it is believed he has readied a plane containing Charles Aznavour and, with the backing of most of the EU, is considering sending it to Washington unless immediate steps are taken by the US to atone for its gross violation of the Geneva Convention.

Charles Aznavour bids himself adieu before being loaded onto the plane this morning

As the world hovers on the brink of a third world war, President Obama took the news of Aznavour’s deployment very seriously: “It is an act of naked aggression,” he told the Senate. “I want the world to know that we are ready, willing and able to deploy Bob Dylan unless France and the rest of Europe step back from the abyss. Moreover we have placed Cher and Willie Nelson on high alert.” In the UK, David Cameron told an emergency meeting of COBRA that Britain should not shrink from using its own Weapons of Musical Destruction if war between Europe and the US became a reality. “I’ve said before, there is no point having James Blunt if you’re not prepared to use him. As a last resort we would even consider sending Sir Cliff Richard or Tom Jones. That’s how serious we are. As to which side we’ll take…that’s a toughie, but the Americans helped us to defuse Cher Lloyd during a critical incident in Basingstoke two years ago. If not for their assistance, whole parts of the South might now be uninhabitable. You don’t forget friends like that. On the other hand we have to consider our position vis a vis the Eurovision Song Contest. We need our voice to be heard at the table and we need EU votes if Russia isn’t going to make us look stupid when we put Sir Paul McCartney into this year’s finals.”

Basingstoke, July 2013: US experts place Cher Lloyd in a soundproof containment suit.

Russia itself was keeping very quiet over the recent events. President Putin was said to be secretly pleased at the diplomatic row but, as someone who has, himself, sung ‘Blueberry Hill’ on live TV, he may realise his own position in this type of issue is not entirely blameless.  He may be content to stay on the side lines for now.

A UN spokesman said it was keeping “a watching brief” and was prepared to use sanctions if the two sides did not immediately hold peace talks. As usual, this is considered to be unlikely to make any difference whatsoever.