Breaking News July 29th 2035
One of the last remaining dentists in the world was hunted down and killed last night in an act that was described by Save Our Dentists’ Skins (SODS) as “unmitigated savagery”.
Dentists have largely been in decline over the last 20 years as their preserves have been invaded by poachers and game hunters. They are much prized for their gleaming white teeth and extraordinarily large bank accounts, and authorities have been slow to protect them according to a report published last year following a SODS investigation into Incisor Trading.
“In the wild, unfortunately, dentists are incredibly easy to spot,” explains Doctor Ivor Molar who commissioned the report. “They tend to congregate in what are known as ‘practices’ and to a trained hunter there are many tell-tale signs that instantly give away their presence. For example, an unmistakeable high-pitched whine can often be heard. To the expert ear it’s a dead giveaway. Then, of course, there are also the signs that dentists leave around, like a trail of breadcrumbs leading their predators right to them.”
Milo Phang, a biodiversity researcher at Cambridge University, agrees with Dr. Molar’s bleak assessment. “Like many creatures, dentists have simply failed to adapt in the face of ecological change. Habitually, when faced with danger, they are likely to charge. Some charge twice, even three times. Their charging is probably their most recognisable feature. But charging doesn’t help when you’re faced with a predator who uses a crossbow from several hundred yards away. Most dentists think that it won’t hurt, but, trust me, it does.”
So what can be done? Doctor Molar is an advocate of extraction. “We need to take them from their natural habitat and keep them somewhere safe. I know it’s painful, and can often mean they lose touch with their roots, but the alternative is that, sometime very soon, the only way you’ll be able to see a dentist in the wild is by paying a small fortune to be on a select list.”