Nigel Molesworth Reports

 Further apologies to Geoffrey Willans and Ronald Searle

molesworth

Since mi last misive there hav been SINISTER developments at st custards.

Last Monday our weedy Head had a brakedown during an ofsted inspektion and started throwing flowerpots at fotherington-tomas from his window on the 2nd floor. We noble lads were cheering wildly and the skool dog was barking furiosly and fotherington-tomas was hopping around wailing like a girlie until a begonier catch him on the cranium and he trip over the skool dog, PRANG, horse de combat as they sa. The poor lad had to be taken away by ambulence (the word on the skool grapevine is he can resume skipping agane once doctors have removed the bits of terrercotter from his brane. Chiz chiz). Meanwile the Head took refuge in the skool gym gibering like mi bro molesworth 2 after Peason put a sackful of worms in his satchel. When the police eventually found him he was curled up naked in a feetle ball sucking his thumb and asking for nanny. The Head that is, not mi bro after the worms. Thuough it is only a matter of time before mi bro follow in the Heads footsteps in mi opinion.

To be clear, that was not the SINISTER development. O no! As any fule kno, st custards hav lost more Headmasters than gillibrand hav had xtra skool dinners after winning a new trophy for for scoring goals at football. At least two others Heads that i kno of were taken away naked and dribling from the skool gym. It is a fact that Heads everywhere hav been losing marbles at a rate of nots ever since the kane was banned and they can no longer beat us:

PSCHYITRYST: So, [put anonymous Heads name here], how hav you been feeling?

HEAD: Sad.

PSCHYITRYST: Sad? Tell me more, mi dear fellow…

HEAD:  Sad. Miserible. Depressed. Downcast. Cressfallen. Mornful…

PSCHYITRYST: i see you were an Eng. Lang. skolar…

HEAD: Why yes! How did you kno?

PSCHYITRYST: Just a wild guess. So, my dear old chap, what hav happen to make you so sad, miserible, depressed, downcast, cressfallen and mornful?

HEAD: [beginning to quiver like jelly] Its just…[he sobs]

PSCHYITRYST: Yes, yes! Go on! Let it all out, you pore sap!

HEAD: i cant beat the boys! Ever since they banned the kane, i cant spank the evil little bliters! [He lets out a huge sigh of releif] Oh mi god how good it feel to sa it! If only i didnt hav to be so nice to them. So encouraging. i miss the sound of wilow on butock! i miss the anguished wails! The entreating plees! Wood that i could just hav back those halsion days! [GRAMMER]

PSCHYITRYST: Mi work here is done.

Anyway, deer reeder, what usually happen after a Head is carted away to the lunatick bin is a period of wild rejoycing among the boys and a marked increase in the use of BEER and CIGGIES among the Masters. For a while even the deadly skool sossages seem to taste a little less like something Heston Bloomingdale mite hav thrown up. The skool dog waits in vane to be huzzed one which make him even grumpier than ushual. All in all it is a good time to wear criket pads on your legs.

Here is the SINISTER bit. No sooner had the last incrimanating vestige of begonier leaf been swept away by the skool groundsman than grabber got a misterious phone call from his pater who was in banking but is now something big in the ministry of edukation. Aparently because of breaxit the govt is trying to suck up to the new president of the United States, Donald Trump (i kno, i promise i didn’t make that up!), who is a swanky American tycoon and orange, not to mention a bit of a lunatick with a wierd hairdo who hav already upset the queen and everybode after only a few days of frothing at the mouth, grabbing privite parts and ordering people about like he was Atila the Hun or something.

Grabber senior told grabber on the qt that we were being sent some American teaching staff pronto because the pm agreed they could test a new edukation system here at st custards. In return the president has said we can hav all the pumpkins we can eat and the proper instruktions for the nuclear misiles they sold us thirty yeres ago.

All the Masters are in a rite bate because noone will explane to them what it all means. They are in the dark. Which to be fare is pretty much buisness as ushual as far as i can see. The only one who seems to be happy about the whole affare is the Religious Ed Master, who danced around the playground and sa “at last, now they will all hav to take me seriosly” before sending out for crates of textbooks about Noahs Ark and tearing down all the dinosore posters in the Science Block. He hav always been a bit odd. Peason once caught him in the skool libary blacking out all the E words in a biology primer.

Anyway, gentel reeder, that is all for now. As you can see st custard’s is still the uter shambles it hav always been, and now with added Americans. i will let you kno how it goes.

About captainlimey

Captain Limey is the alter ego of a mild mannered idiot. He can also be found on Twitter, either as @CaptainLimey or in his new guise as a purveyor of Gangland Mummy Porn in @50ShadesOfKray. Despite a magnificent costume, specially created for him by his mother, he has no super powers, unless you count the ability of his skin to eat through metal, given enough time. This has led to the buggeration of several watches of his acquaintance but has not thus far proved harmful to other lifeforms. The Captain hopes you will enjoy his blogged musings and forgive the occasional rant against the world at large, and idiot dictators in particular. They really get his gander up.
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2 Responses to Nigel Molesworth Reports

  1. Christine Heiser says:

    If you add any Americans, make sure to beat vigorously to make sure they blend in. And add alcohol. Otherwise you won’t be able to stomach it.

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