In Hannity

gravity“Good evening, America. Welcome at the top of the hour to “In Hannity”, our weekly Fox News look at the latest twisted lies by libtard supporters of Crooked Hillary. I’m Sean Hannity…”

“…and I’m Tucker Carlson…”

“…and together we’re Harlson…”

“Wait, Sean. I thought we agreed ‘Sucker’?”

“Harlson. The producers insisted.”

“Why?”

“Dunno, Tucker. They just didn’t like ‘Sucker’.”

“Maybe because it sounded like ‘Fucker’?”

“Casual liberal elite snowflake sweariness, Tucker: sickos like Oliver, they’re all going to Hell, I tell ya!”

“Roger that, Sean!” [They explode a fistbump]

“So, Tucker. What pile-of-horseshit DNC narrative are we dismantling tonight?”

“Interesting you should ask that, Sean. Tonight, we’re focusing on the bleeding-heart scientists.”

“Those sons of bitches!”

“Yes, Sean. Those sons of bitches who are holding America back from greatness with their intellectual dishonesty and their constant whining about the environment and so-called climate change. But tonight we can reveal that they have been wrong for years about GRAVITY!”

“If that’s true, Tucker, then WOW! Just WOW!”

“I know, Sean. In the studio tonight we have assembled a SUPER-INTELLIGENT panel who will be reacting to claims by none other than Alex Jones that gravity is a liberal left myth perpetuated by a metropolitan elite with a vested interest in keeping us all from being able to fly without mechanical aids.”

“That’s right, Tucker. We’ve got Seb Gorka, who, it turns out, isn’t just an expert on terrorism but was once also a degree-educated Anglo-Hungarian astronaut at the height of the British Empire’s space program.”

“You mean ‘nadir’, right, Sean?”

“I’m sorry, Tucker?”

“Nadir. It’s the scientific word for ‘height’, Sean.”

“I knew that, Tucker. I asked on behalf of our audience.”

“Roger THAT, Sean!” [They high five]

“We’ve also got Ann Coulter, who is here to tell us about her embarrassment at 31,000 feet. Which would never have happened if Obama had just told the truth about gravity.”

“No swear words, Sean! You’re referring to ‘the O-hole’, right?”

“You got that right, Tucker. A first class O-hole!”

“The only thing he graduated in. O-hology.”

“O-hology at the University of Bongo Bongo, Kenya, Tucker. I’ve seen the certificate.”

“Finally, because we’re all about the balance, we have a very special guest here tonight to put the wholly erroneous scientific perspective. A big Fox News welcome to Ken Ham, Professor of Creationism at Harvard and Yale. And the other one.”

“Yes, Sean. Let’s start with you, Ken. For years, so-called scientists have been telling us about gravity. Now it seems the whole theory is beginning to fall apart. What can you tell us, speaking as an expert?”

“Well, Tucker. I can tell you that until mankind invented the concept of gravity, things used to float in midair the way God intended. It was only when Adam saw an apple fall from a tree, under supernatural influence from Satan, that he put two and two together and made six. Ever since then, we humans have been literally GROUNDED by God as a punishment for our lack of faith.”

“So, Ken. If I can interrupt Tucker’s questions for a minute.  I have a quote here from an eminent scientist who says that gravity is ‘a consequence of the curvature of space-time’. You seem to be disagreeing.”

“Scientists get things wrong all the time, Sean.”

“They do indeed, Ken. They do indeed. Sebastian Gorka, what are your thoughts on that bombshell revelation by Ken?”

“I am not at all surprised, Sean. When I was in space I saw zero evidence that space-time was curved. Let me ask you this: if space-time were curved, how is it that we can draw straight lines?”

“Good point, Seb. What’s the President’s take on this startling new approach to gravity.”

“I think it’s clear that the President has thought that gravity is suspect all along. He is a highly successful billionaire construction magnate and you don’t get to be that without questioning basic science. I can reveal that he has been defying gravity for years in private, something that Obama was never able to do throughout his entire, despicable tenure.”

“Thanks, Seb. Good to have that on record. [Turns to camera] Join us after the break for some more pictures taken by our guest Ann Coulter, showing liberal elites celebrating gravity by enjoying her seat at 31,000 feet…”

About captainlimey

Captain Limey is the alter ego of a mild mannered idiot. He can also be found on Twitter, either as @CaptainLimey or in his new guise as a purveyor of Gangland Mummy Porn in @50ShadesOfKray. Despite a magnificent costume, specially created for him by his mother, he has no super powers, unless you count the ability of his skin to eat through metal, given enough time. This has led to the buggeration of several watches of his acquaintance but has not thus far proved harmful to other lifeforms. The Captain hopes you will enjoy his blogged musings and forgive the occasional rant against the world at large, and idiot dictators in particular. They really get his gander up.
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