Following Donald Trump’s glowing and, frankly, somewhat unlikely medical report, I began to wonder if there isn’t a more straightforward explanation for the President’s weird behaviour.
With apologies to the Monty Python team.
A voter enters the White House.
Voter: Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(Sarah Huckabee Sanders does not respond.)
Voter: Ello, Miss?
Sanders: What do you mean “miss”?
Customer: I’m sorry, I’m from Alabama. I wish to make a complaint!
Sanders: We’re closed for Executive Time.
Voter: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this President what I voted, not a year and a bit ago, into this very office.
Sanders: Oh yes, the German Orange. What’s wrong with it?
Voter: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
Sanders: No, no, e’s resting. With a cheeseburger and Fox News.
Voter: Look, matey, I know a dead president when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
Sanders: No no he’s not dead, he’s…he’s restin’! Remarkable billionaire, the German Orange. Beautiful privilege!
Voter: The privilege don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
Sanders: No, no, no, no, no, no! E’s resting!
Voter: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (shouting at the bedroom door) Ello, Mister Donny Dotard! I’ve got two lovely fresh scoops of ice cream for you if you come out of the room…
(Sanders throws her voice): “Go away! I’m bigly busy!”
Sanders: There, he spoke!
Voter: No, he didn’t, that was you throwin’ your voice!
Sanders: I never!!
Voter: Yes, you did!
Sanders: I never! Never did anything!
Voter: (shouting and knocking loudly on the bedroom door) ELLO, DONNY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!
(He opens the door, drags the limp President out into the corridor, thumps Trump’s head on the bust of Winston Churchill on a nearby table. Leans the lifeless bloatard up against the wall and watches it slide ungracefully to the floor.)
Voter: Now that’s what I call a dead president!
Sanders: No, no, no, e’s stunned!
Sanders: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin’ up! German Oranges stun easily.
Voter: Now look, mate, I’ve definitely had enough of this. That president is definitely deceased, and when I voted for it a year and a bit ago, you assured me that its total lack of usefulness was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged tax strategy planning session with the Republicans.
Sanders: Well, he’s…he’s, er…probably pining for the wall.
Voter: Pinin’ for the wall? PININ’ for the WALL? What kind of talk is that? Why did he do fuck all the moment I voted him in?
Sanders: The German Orange prefers a low profile! Remarkable billionaire, isn’t it, squire? Lovely privilege!
Voter: Look, I took the liberty of examining that president on mainstream media and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting in the Oval Office in the first place was that it had been NAILED there by Paul Ryan.
Sanders: Well, of course it was nailed there! If we hadn’t nailed that billionaire down, it would have nuzzled up to the Democrats, savaged them all with its teeth and VOOM!
Voter: “VOOM”? Mate, this president wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! E’s bleedin’ demised!
Sanders: No, no! E’s pining!
Voter: E’s not pinin’! E’s passed on! This president is no more! He has ceased to be! E’s expired and gone to meet his Mercer! E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the chair e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! E’s off the twig! E’s kicked the bucket, e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PRESIDENT!
Sanders: Well, we’d better replace it, then. How do you fancy a Mike Pence? Or I’ve got a slug.
Voter: I’ll take the slug.