Return of the Japanese Knotweed

Every now and then an apparently harmless Twitter exchange can act as inspiration for the strangest of ideas. Genesis once wrote a song about a Giant Hogweed and, as you can see, @janh1 commented that it was somewhat weird subject matter.

 

Hogweed Tweet

 

“Well, why not?” I thought.

Here’s the Japanese Knotwood rap. Be careful what you wish for!

(Caution: contains a naughty M word. Twice)

knotweed

Fallopia japonica,

That motherfucka killed your dupontia!

Fallopia japonica,

Got its greedy eyes on your macedonica ~

You know it’s gonna be wrongin’ ya.

Fallopia japonica.

Call the police or a priest,

Mista Fleeceflower is lookin to strangle ya;

He wants to entangle ya!

knotweed2

Ties that bind,

He’s a vine,

Shoots a line

Like some Spiderman danglin’ ya;

When he’s gotcha

He’s gonna garotte ya

In your vegetable plot, yeah!

He’s a knotweed, he’ll make you knock-kneed,

He’ll make your eyes bleed,

He grows at lightning speed,

He’s like a lightning seed

(Without Skinner or Baddiel)

Fallopia!

Japonica!

Fallopia!

Japonica!

There’s no hope for ya!

It’s dystopia!

Fallopia!

Japonica!

He’s a knotweed, he’ll make you knock-kneed,

He’ll make your eyes bleed,

He grows at lightning speed

He’s a knotweed, he’ll make your eyes bleed!

Fallopia

Japonica

That motherfucka killed your dupontia!

Fallopia

Japonica

knotweed3

About captainlimey

Captain Limey is the alter ego of a mild mannered idiot. He can also be found on Twitter, either as @CaptainLimey or in his new guise as a purveyor of Gangland Mummy Porn in @50ShadesOfKray. Despite a magnificent costume, specially created for him by his mother, he has no super powers, unless you count the ability of his skin to eat through metal, given enough time. This has led to the buggeration of several watches of his acquaintance but has not thus far proved harmful to other lifeforms. The Captain hopes you will enjoy his blogged musings and forgive the occasional rant against the world at large, and idiot dictators in particular. They really get his gander up.
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2 Responses to Return of the Japanese Knotweed

  1. janh1 says:

    Flippin’ brilliant! 👏 👏 👏 😀
    So many good lyrics but Lightning Seed without Skinner or Baddiel was brill as was “knock-kneed…he grows at lighning speed”
    You should post the lyrics too so we can appreciate the entire rap in all its wordsmitheringly splendid glory.

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